Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."


The Upper Hand

It has certainly been a while since I wrote something significant. Sure, I have put up some quick things and pictures but I have not actually sat down and thought out a post in maybe a month. But I feel ready to do that today, for some reason I doubt the posts will return in abundance but every once in a while I feel capable of putting out something good. Hopefully, people will continue to stop in from time to time and let me know how crazy I am. Here goes.

I guess I should try to cover just what the heck I have been up to that has kept me from writing and the truth is it isn’t all that exciting. Since coming home from the National Championship game two weeks ago I have barely done anything. I worked a lot, I watched TV, played video games, I basically have been a worthless loser. But with the euphoria of my vacation still lingering I have felt no need to do anything exciting. On MLK day I joined my roommates for an early dinner at Sakura, the day before that I went to a BBQ at Scott’s to watch the game again (would you believe some of us were actually cheering for plays that we knew the outcome to?). Scott, his girlfriend and their roommate put out an awesome spread that included football and football helmet shaped cookies with orange and blue icing. Also, Go Gator cupcakes, I am telling you, I am surrounded by perhaps the best young baking ladies in the country, if not the world. Do not tell my mom but they kick ass and she would be impressed. But, I digress; this is not what got me back in front of the lap top, although, I think the year of the Gators will keep me happy until the summer. No, the reason I have decided to sit down and write something again has been some deep reflection. In my complete laziness and seclusion over the past few weeks I have really looked back on my past relationships and why they have failed and have come to one conclusion.

I only enter into situations where I perceive myself to have the upper hand.

And that my friends can be a huge problem. I don’t take risks and therefore never reap the rewards of taking risks. Sure, this is something that can be said in other aspects of my life. But in this one particular area it is something that I feel is needed for success. With careers or many other ventures you can get by being conservative and playing it safe. I don’t think that is true when it comes to relationships, you can’t play it safe and expect something truly great to happen. You have to take risks, sometimes stupid ones, you have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable (OK, I totally sound like a chick now, shoot me). But, I really believe that the reason I am indefinitely single with no prospect of that changing is because I just don’t put myself in situations that would be hard to walk away from.

I do just the opposite; it limits my options greatly, but also allows me to not invest much emotionally. Why I do this could stem from many reasons: child of divorce, abandonment issues, trying it once and not liking the outcome. But those are really just excuses for something that I need to get over. You see, every relationship I have had except one, and this goes back to, maybe all the way back to middle school, have been ones where I have been pursued more than the pursuer. Some of these situations were more extreme than others and in most there was mutual attraction. But, in most cases the other person could come or go and it would not greatly affect my life. That seems to be the one unifying characteristic of 95% of the girls I have had anything more than a friendship with. And on top of it, I have realized that I have the ability to totally fake all of it. What I mean by that is that I can fake all the little parts of relationships without ever having strong feelings. It makes me one confusing person; I can send a heartfelt letter that can make you cry but a month later not care a lick when you sleep with your ex-bf (this actually happened). And that little scenario pretty much sums it all up, I can throw emotion around and enjoy being in a relationship while never being fully invested or convinced it is going anywhere. So, when it ends or something bad happens I hardly miss a beat, I just roll along because whether it appeared I cared or not, I probably didn’t care all that much. Pretty messed up, isn’t it?

And now everyone knows why I am indefinitely single and even when I do meet someone it won’t last more than a few months. It also probably explains why people don’t believe me when I tell them that I am an asshole or not to set me up with their friends. The question then is how I fix it and stop making excuses for myself.


Blogger Asian Mistress said...

We're all just one big defense mechanism...cheers.

11:12 PM  
Blogger Namaste said...

Mmmm...really interesting post. Thanks for your great comment today. Believe it or not, in most cases the alias' are actual nicknames!


10:10 PM  
Blogger Leaf said...

AM - yep, isn't it so normal and obvious, two things I hate being.

N - Your friends have awesome nicknames.

10:51 AM  

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