Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Name:
Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."

11.13.2006

Sleep, my most elusive pursuit

I fight it and fight it but I am losing. I am one of the sleep deprived, unable to rest without help of drugs or sedatives to keep me in bed for an entire night of uninterrupted sleep. Last night felt different, I thought I would make it, but again it was not meant to be. Initially, sleep came easy and it lasted for a few hours before fitful dreams got the best of me. Whether they were caused by one of Jack’s posts, my own imagination or the new book I am reading I am not sure. But, one thing is for sure, I had a terrible dream that woke me in the middle of the night. After the dream woke me I could not fall back asleep, for over an hour I tossed and turned, switching positions and pillows, sides of the bed, but nothing would work. Finally I must have fallen asleep about an hour before my alarm was to go off. I snoozed for a long time after that and I am a bit of a mess now.

I am out of it both from the dream and the lack of a good nights sleep. I rarely remember my dreams so that when I actually do remember them I find it interesting mostly. A lot of the time they are very mundane and boring, just normal stuff. However, what woke me this night was eerie, almost a warning or a premonition. I was in the middle of a battle but had lost my gun. In the real I have never had a gun, never trained for combat, never desired to fight. Yet for some reason this dream makes me feel it is inevitable and that I have been putting off preparation, that I will not be ready for some looming danger. Or, could it possibly be something else, could it all be symbolism? Perhaps I am unarmed because I do not have the knowledge I need to survive in my current career? If that is the case would it be too much of a coincidence that I began training on a new technology today? So many questions, so few answers, isn’t that always the way things are for me?

My dreams have left me disturbed, my lack of sleep has left me cloudy and my future is as ambiguous as it has always been. This is why I prefer not to remember my dreams, they create ever more questions for a constantly questioning mind.

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