Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Name:
Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."

10.05.2006

She Knows

Given that is October and Halloween is right around the corner I guess it is somewhat fitting that I am haunted. Not by your ordinary ghosts and ghouls but by a real live person that just doesn’t seem to go away. I honestly think she must be a psychic because over time she has constantly found a way to contact me at the moment just before her effect on me has totally worn off. I have spoken about her before, she is “that girl” the one who had we met at a different time or place in our lives things would have been different but that’s not the case. We were never friends and we will never be friends, so a year and a half ago as I sat in a hotel room in El Paso, TX I told her that it was best for us to just move on. Stop talking, stop pretending, stop holding each other back, I asked her to become a beautiful memory and for so long she complied. She was part of such a great time in my life and I want to remember her that way, not as part of the frustrating scenario it has become in recent years.

When I was sitting in that hotel room close to two years ago I came to a conclusion. Simply, our moment had passed, no matter what feelings might exist still there were just more factors to consider. We were perfect for each other at the time when we were together but at this time we just aren’t and we are fooling ourselves if we think we can recreate what we had. So, I told her I would always love her and that I didn’t know how to be her friend and I walked away and she walked away. For a long time I still thought about her. I thought about her often actually, for years I thought about her on a daily basis, then slowly it became once every few days, then once a week, then perhaps once a month before it finally took some external event to bring her memory back. Sure the memory still popped up but it was so dull and seldom that it had little hold over me. I am at a point where I am looking forward and no longer do I see her in my plans, she had become a beautiful memory. And then she decided that she “just wanted to say hello”.

As happy as I am to have heard she was doing well I really do not need the inner turmoil that she causes me anymore. It’s such a fine line with her and when our conversation ended and she said it would be nice to say hello again sometime I was not sure how to respond. I don’t need this right now; I don’t need it at all. I don’t have her number and do not have the desire to contact her but should she “say hello” again I think I will just ask her what has changed in the year and a half since we had last spoke that makes her feel its better to be part of my present and not just a beautiful memory.

You know this is why I think I prefer ghosts to girls.

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