Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Name:
Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."

10.20.2006

Scarier than Ghosts

I am not going to go into detail on this as much as I could but I will tell as much of the story as I am comfortable with. This morning as I was preparing for a normal Friday at work when something went terribly wrong. I noticed I was bleeding from somewhere that I really didn’t expect to be bleeding from and that the bleeding just was not stopping. So, I put down the food I was about to prepare for lunch and called my doctor who told me I could see him at 10:30 am. From that moment on I was totally freaking out, a mess, I called a co-worker and left a completely unintelligible message, called my mom hoping she would make me feel better but she didn’t, I called my team lead at work to let him know I wouldn’t be making it into the office and then I got ready to go to the doctors.

But during the hour or more between realizing something was not right and speaking to my doctor I was scared. You can only imagine the kind of horrible thoughts that go through someone’s head when they have no idea what they are facing. I felt light headed and shaky and so uncertain of the world. It really caught me off guard because I have never really been scared about a medical problem before. There have been times where I probably should have died in my past but I was never scared at all. Maybe the fear came with age or maybe the problems in the past with asthma had become such a part of my life that I was no longer afraid of it, but this was new and unknown and more than that I want things out of life now. I guess it was a combination of things, before I was too young to realize that we don’t have all the time in the world and I felt sort of invincible. Now I know I want things out of life that I have not accomplished yet and all of those things flashed through my mind as I drove to that doctor’s office. The first thought I had was it will be a shame if I don’t get to do these things because something is wrong with me. The second one was fuck that if there really is something wrong I will just have to get them done faster.

I guess that’s all it takes to wake you up, a little scare. Granted I am still not out of the woods yet, I have a check up with my doctor in two weeks and need to schedule an appointment with a specialist before that. For now I am feeling better and hoping this all turns out to be nothing but a lesson learned and a much needed wake up call. What was the saying in Shawshank Redemption? Get busy living or get busy dying, I think that’s it. It’s about time I tried that, before it’s too late.

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