Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."


Love would never leave us alone

A-yin the darkness there must come out to light.

My posts have all been pretty depressing lately which kind of sucks but it is a depressing time. I don’t sleep anymore, I don’t even try really but I think I know why at least. Three summers ago I was standing in the middle of an open air gym singing songs at the end of sleep away camp when someone told me I had a phone call. It was the first phone call I received all summer. My mom was on the other line crying and apologizing because her dad had passed away that night. The next couple of days were a blur, but eventually I found myself on the highway heading for Philadelphia where I would hop a plane to Minnesota. I didn’t cry at the funeral, I didn’t cry at the service, I didn’t cry at all. Among my family whispers were heard, “Is Leaf OK?” You are damn right I am ok. I am always OK. But if everyone else is crying who the fuck is supposed to be strong and console them? That’s right me, I played my part and played it well, I never saw my Grandpa cry, not once, and no one ever questioned him. So, what is so wrong about emulating him? I say nothing, not a thing in the world, there isn’t a single human being on Earth I would rather be compared to. He wasn’t perfect but he was amazing. I don’t mourn his death I celebrate his life. He wore so many hats, did so many things listing them here would seem to lessen what he was. Its not about a list, it’s about a soul, and his was magical. And yet I still feel like I hardly knew him, but what I did know will influence my life for years to come. I am not sure if he ever knew how much he taught me or how I still think of him often but I know he still thinks of us.

When I light the candle tonight commemorating the anniversary of his passing I will look back on all the ways he has helped make me who I am today and how he still manages to save my butt when I need his help. He taught me so many lessons I don’t know where to begin, he taught me that your health was important but not the most important. He taught me to be strong when your family needs you to and show them love in anyway you can. He taught me to never be a bad drunk and to never turn down free money. He showed me that it was ok to be a little stubborn and that letting your temper get the best of you wasn’t a good thing. He also showed me that when someone in your family needs you don’t ask questions just help. That actually caused a great fight with my Mom one time when he picked up my sister who had pseudo ran away and called him to pick her up, my mom was pissed but grandpas reasoning was sound, he was needed and able to help. I would do the same thing. There aren’t many situations where I would stray from the response he would give. What is important to him is important to me. And I couldn’t be prouder to use him as the model to live my life.

I eventually did cry, and have since found a tear in my eye every time I hear Elias by Dispatch. I cried when my Grandfather came to my aid as a voice inside my mothers head. Because of him I believe in miracles, I believe in the power of Survivors, I believe in myself and I believe in G-d.


Blogger adieu tristesse said...

The day of the Yahrzeit is always very difficult.
My father is a complete wreck when this same day comes around for my grandfather (his father) – I actually find it harder to see my father in this state than to remember. Your grandfather seems to have played a significant role in shaping who you are and honouring his memory is so important. Best wishes.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Leaf said...

Thanks, I handle it pretty well. And since I dont know my father I can at least say I have never had to deal with what you describe. It must be rough and I imagine that I would have a hard time breaking down in front of anyone myself for that very reason.

3:58 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home