Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."


Love and Memories

So amidst all the fun and excitement during the OAR concert something profound happened to me. At the time it seemed very harmless, we were standing there in the lawn dancing and singing along to some great music, telling stories about concerts we’d gone to in the past. Everything was great until one of my friends asked me what he thought was a harmless question: “What ever happened to that girl from MD?” Uhh, “that girl” we don’t talk anymore, I ended that over a year ago. But that wasn’t exactly enough of an answer. So, my friend prods me for more info. But, I don’t really have a lot more info to give. “I loved that girl” I say and that ends the conversation. My friend now understands he has just opened up an entire subject that did not need to be opened.

Sundays are normally my recovery day and that usually leads to a lot of relaxing quiet reflection for me. Only today my reflection was not peaceful, it was tormented as I confronted feelings I try hard to avoid. What ended up happening the rest of that concert for me was this dull feeling that I still miss “that girl” but it makes no sense to me. So, ultimately I want to know what it is exactly that I miss. Is it really her? Or is it the feeling I had with her? And the truth is I have no idea. But for you to get the full understanding I would have to give the whole story and I am not sure I want to say all that. Lets just say this story goes back a long time and there have been many girls in between but somehow I always end up back at her, mentally if not physically. So, what is it exactly: loving her or loving someone that I miss? And the more I think about it, which has pretty much been all day, the less I understand.

I think my problem is that when you look at some subjects directly it is impossible to look at them objectively, you need to look at it from a different angle, sneak up on it. So, while I was at the gym, in the car and all over town today I have been looking back on all sorts of things, starting of course with my past relationships. I futilely started with my first relationships, but since I had two girlfriends in 5th grade that didn’t help very much. Although, I will say this that one of those girls had we dated later in life might have been an entirely different story. I don’t think about her often, but at least that memory helped me decide where I should place my energies and that is with the few women who at random moments of silence captivate my attention, the ones I still dream about. That list is small; there are really only two, two girls since “the girl” that I never really gave a chance to fill that void or whatever it is.

Not really a void, I think it is more likely an unfulfilled desire. Because I have known that feeling only once I think I equate that to the person when the reality may be that I don’t want her as much as I want someone else to be that close with. I want someone to be part of my family the way she was, but for that to happen I need to find someone that not only am I compatible with but fits. Since “that girl” no one seems to fit and it is frustrating to think about. It is especially hard to think about when I consider my basketball girl and the one with the shitty friends; they are the only two who ever had a real chance with me since “the girl”. I am still friends with both of them; I am actually still friends with all of the girls I have dated and had pseudo relationships with since I didn’t pay attention very well when I watched Cocktail. Anyway, the last two were both so perfect for such different reasons, but somehow managed to fall apart.

Bball girl and I were probably never more than friends who hung out a lot. Still, I think there was something there that was never capitalized on. We had a lot in common and enough differences too never suffocate the other and although we did couple like things it was never really a relationship. Occasionally, I still see her and things feel the same except there is nothing going on across the friendship line. Certainly, there were issues that might have led me not to pursue something or treat it more seriously but I am not sure which they were exactly. Possibly religion, maybe it was something she said once about not wanting kids, or just a moment when something didn’t feel right, but whatever it was it ended and eventually my mind returned back to the ideal of “that girl”. But that still leaves me with another girl who really was great, great for so many reasons different than the others. That is the thing I have met three significant girls and really liked each of them for very different reasons. So it’s not like I am trying to replace one with the other but something never seems to add up.

This girl I met in college, I was wearing an IDF shirt, she said she had the same shirt and we began talking. We were friendly and hung out and hooked up on and off for a year but I would never commit to a relationship. Eventually, we did start going out but I ended it before it went anywhere. I feel like I am always the one ending these things. Sure I hated this girls friends, they were nothing like my friends and reminded me of people growing up that I could not stand, but she was hardly like them at all, probably the sweetest, kindest girl I had ever met. I think more than anything I sabotaged that relationship because she scared me, scared me into thinking it could happen again maybe. I really think that relationship ended before I could ever find out if she fit. Eventually, she moved out west, I moved to DC, the Bball girl stayed in FL and life kept on. I might have only told one of them that I loved them but all three seem to form the mold that I am looking for. Even worse, I now want to find one person with qualities from all three. So, maybe it’s not “the girl” I am after or even one of the others but that feeling.

This is way too long and I don’t even think I am near finished getting to the bottom of it, but I want to go home so I will post this here and possibly write about this again someday.


Blogger adieu tristesse said...

A disclaimer: I know nothing. It often about an idea, a feeling – it’s ambiguous and lacking a logical explanation. It is sometimes an interaction, a moment, a time. It is always confusing and it often seems so simple. Sometimes, it is simply that you are left with a smile on your face long after you see them. It is easier without it I'm sure, but following that logic, we are obviously all masochists. Good luck.

6:56 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I agree with adieu.

Also, I find that with every relationship and person you meet, you take different things from them. You like one girl for this reason, one for another...and slowly as you say you kind of look for someone that has all of the qualities you found you wanted and needed - or didn't even know you wanted or needed until it was there in front of you. Then I guess one day, it'll just all be there. In the end, nobody will ever have everything of course, but at least through each of the past relationships, I like to think you get one step closer to the future.

And as for the continuously going back to thoughts of "that girl" - maybe you just need closure. Maybe you need to know for sure what it could or couldn't be. Granted, I don't know the whole background/story...but just sayin...

11:07 PM  
Blogger Leaf said...

Both of you make great points. I think I just wrote this to see if it sounded any different outside my head. It didnt, but your input certainly helps me put into perspective.

The problem I think with me at least, going back to my Cocktail analogy, is that nothing ever ends badly for me. Things fade out like the tide but they dont ever completely go away. Rather, its like they are sitting there right off shore taunting me. Sometimes, things have to end badly or they wouldnt end at all.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I found your blog via asian mistress. And I'm so glad I did. Reading this post provided me with some perspective and clarity that I need now more than ever. Thanks so much.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Leaf said...

Andrea - Thanks for coming by, feel free to come back as much as you like. Although, I can't guarantee the rest of the posts will provide anything helpful, but I will try.

7:15 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Hey thanks! I just skimmed your stuff but don't have time to really read through so I'm going to have to come back and look again. Have a great day!

8:12 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home