Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."


Happiness is Fleeting

Just thought it was finally time I would throw it out there. I am fucking crazy, I know I am and I guess its better to know than to think you are normal. For the past week or so I have been walking around in a kind of miserable haze, just totally unhappy all the time, it’s very frustrating but it’s not as bad as sometimes in the past. Last summer for instance I got a similar feeling that was just a little bit worse than I feel now. Then, I felt like the world was crushing me, I couldn’t breathe and I did not want to leave the house, it felt like a summer storm had overtaken my life. But within days, maybe it only lasted 24 hours, it was gone and I was resurrected. That pain was deep and precise but now I am feeling something much wider but much more shallow, this is less painful but sadder.

For me happiness is fleeting, nothing holds, no matter how many good things can happen in my life, bitterness is always around the corner. I had been feeling this way for a while but the issue really came to a head recently when on a night out in this swamp that I felt entirely alone amongst a group of friends. There everyone was having a good time, drunk, dancing like fools and I was just standing there looking around at my friends and realizing they just don’t get it. I often tell people that I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy, just happy for no reason other than enjoying my life. And its not that I dislike anything about my life, it’s just not anything to be happy over. Good things do happen, sometimes a lot of good things happen, but the good feeling wears off quicker and quicker each time. I get a new car and I am happy, some other new toy, happy, promotion at work happy, but then it just stops, things aren’t new anymore, they just are and you realize none of it has changed anything. So, we are back to square one and in that place I am the same unhappy person I have been for the past five years or more.

Of course with all things in my life I will not forget that there is a bright side. Growing up I was the one who always said things will get better, I believed in miracles then, and I think I still do. I know they exist I have felt them; I have felt the power and the mysticism of this world that we can not explain. So, my hope remains. In all of this I am proud that I haven’t turned to destructive habits like so many others in my case certainly would, I haven’t had a drink in weeks, nor do I even consider drugs, shit I don’t even eat junk food except for the occasional stop at Panda Express. And so I keep fighting to pull myself out of this wading pool of despair in hopes that someday I will find something that can fill my heart longer than some fleeting happiness.


Blogger adieu tristesse said...

I can most surely relate to that feeling... although, from time to time I am able to distance myself. Those moments are ideal for reflection and vital when I want to regain the delusions, life lies or whatever allows things to move along in my life…
Thanks for the comment by the way.
Hopefully you find something worthwhile soon enough.

12:37 PM  
Blogger A Better Life said...

There is a void that only God can fill. Don't be fooled into thinking that those artificial, temporary thrills that your so-called friends are having is lasting happiness. If you are seriously looking for real joy and peace in your life you will only find that in a committed relationship with your creator.

2:47 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I think everyone has a feeling like this sometimes, I know I have many times. I think it's just the quarter-life crisis...and really, who is totally happy ALL the time?

Hope things start looking up for you!

3:58 PM  
Blogger Leaf said...

AT - Thanks for the comment, I am sure a lot of people can relate, which is another reason for saying it. I am sure I will find something one of these days.

ABL - While I appreciate your comment and agree with you to a point, my friends are not so-called. They are certainly flawed and miss the point and sometimes distracted but all of them have provided me with many great things in life. Because they are not capable right now does not make them any less in my eyes. And I think I have a very healthy relationship with G-d. It does not keep me from being a realistic person who is sometimes not happy with the world we live in. The world is a broekn place, trying to fix it is sometimes a depressing task.

AM - The only people who are happy all the time are on drugs all the time. Prozac mostly. But, you are right it could just be quarter life crisis that has me down. I am almost 26 and think its time to figure out which way I am actually going in life. For once, all the questions and uncertainty got me down. It used to make me thrive, I am sure it will again. Besides I can always live vicariously through your nights out.

4:26 PM  

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