Free Leaf

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold..."

Location: Falls Church, Virginia, United States

I have a lot more questions than answers, but I just keep asking. I constantly want to leave, but somehow manage to stay. I am both perfectly happy and completely miserable because of it. I think I am misunderstood but that could just be a huge misunderstanding, either way I guess the best way to put it is, "I ain't often right, but I've never been wrong."


My Grandma

Of all things I have tried to write lately this is consistently the hardest, the one I start so often only to abandon because it is just too hard to put into words. Even now I sit in front of my computer just staring. I never really confront the enormous impact my Grandparents have had on my life. When my Grandpa died I barely shed a tear, and it wasn’t because I didn’t miss him or because I wasn’t sad it was because I could not confront how much it meant to lose him. Now nearly three years later and I am witnessing my Grandma deteriorate so quickly that it is a bit shocking. Just before Thanksgiving her and I were having lunches together at Deli Den and now she is too frail and sick to leave the house. It is very sad and hard to comprehend but I feel the next flight I take to see my family will be to Minnesota so that we can bury my Grandmother next to my Grandfather.

Shortly after I saw her in November she had a car accident that totaled her car. She doesn’t really remember what happened that day and the doctors aren’t entirely sure either, there may have been a stroke or just a black out but its really not important. Regardless, after that my Mother moved back down to South Florida to live with and take care of Grandma and in the months since she has been there she has witnessed her quick deterioration. Her memory is fading fast and sometimes it seems that she is suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia, she can have entire conversations with my Mom and not know who she is. It is quite sad to see, yet I am so thankful that the two times I saw her recently she knew exactly who I was, and told me that she knew I loved her and that she loved me. What makes matters worse is that you can see the physical deterioration that is occurring; she weighs next to nothing, moves very slowly with a walker and needs oxygen to help her breathe at times. My Mom has been so strong throughout this whole ordeal since she is the only one who actually confronts it on a daily basis but when she told me how much Grandma now weighs she nearly lost it. Mom did manage to contain herself that day but every phone call worries me, every time I answer the phone to a slight pause I wait for a choked voice on the other end and my Mom’s apology as if it were here fault.

There is nothing to be sorry for, I just hope that when that time comes I will be strong enough to comfort my family the way they will need. In private I will have my moments of sadness but in the face of my loved ones I will muster the strength to make them believe that the end of ones life is not a time for sadness but for celebration of the imprint that that life has left on everyone they have touched.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a great person and your grandmother and mother know that! Hang in and I will be there in anyway I can (even if it means standing by your side in Minnesota). I know how hard it has been since I am going through the same thing with my grandfather. Just try to remember the good times!


6:19 PM  

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